Heart Issues

After a while, you lose your interest. You lose your interest in just about anything. There is a certain lull and you cannot quite pin point where it came from. But the thing is, it is a calm lull.
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After 13 years in the corporate world, I suddenly found myself losing the fervor for what I loved the most -- my work. At one point, I had it all planned out and written down. By this age I needed to be at the position, after this number of years I wanted this kind of work assigned to me, at this age I envisioned myself sitting in the board room part of the execom that would meet every Tuesday. At one point I had it all planned out. So yes, I wanted to know where all that had gone. It took me a while to figure it out and while I was figuring all that out, it was a very uncomfortable feeling. It was bothersome and downright worrisome. I felt I was not wearing my own clothes. And I wanted so bad to get rid of that feeling.
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Waiting on God is not easy. It never was and it never will be. That is a fact of life. We are human and human as we are, we want instant gratification. That uncomfortable feeling I had lingered on until one day that lull came.
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When nothing is happening, we can either panic or remain calm. There was a certain calmness in the lull. I had embraced the routine and accepted it as a fact that could not be changed. On days when there would be excitement, I would get excited. On uneventful days, I would just let the day pass. I realized, I was no longer looking for the thrill and the high of smashing my work day.
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I asked myself, is this good or is this bad? I cannot quite remember when how or why I found myself asking that question. I would have let it pass but on that day, after a very long time, I wanted an answer. The days passed. Months. Years, a few.
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The answer came around 8:30 in the evening while I was folding the laundry exhausted from the mornings workout, work demands and just washing the dishes after dinner. It was like a huge hammer hit my head and banged so hard on my skull that I found myself just bawling in pain. After years of denial, I finally came out and said I no longer loved my work.
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A grumbling heart is an unhealthy heart. It is sinful and does not glorify God. I figured that's where all my pain came from. I was no longer comfortable with my sinful, grumbling heart. I needed to get rid of it.

New Beginnings

4 years into the sport of triathlon and it has almost always been SBR everyday - Swim, Bike Run. My kids have also embraced the TRIlife. It has been a journey like no other I must say.

Last week though, after much prodding, my youngest son joined his first ever football practice. After seeing a poster in his school about a private football club practicing every Saturday at a local park, I finally said OK for him to join -- on the agreement that he will do football on weekends but swim during the weekdays (after class). He agreed.

Come Saturday, he was giddy with excitement. All prepped and ready to roar in his trying hard football get up haha. Because most of our sports outfits are for swim bike or run, we had to make do with whatever dri fit shirt we had, basketball looking shorts, long socks and running shoes.

This football thing was completely new to me. The smell of chlorine was not there, there was no tartan track to run on and there was no need for a helmet. I sat down and decided to enjoy the view. My new view.

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Sitting there, I was given a lot of quiet time to reflect and think. I sat on the ground - grass, pine needles and all and took in a breath of fresh air.

It has been 2 months post corporate world and I must say I have been enjoying the less rigid schedule a lot. I would not say I have had so much free time (which I thought I would have once I because a SAHM) because SAHM'ing is a lot of work too!! A few days ago I found myself laughing and shaking my head and telling myself that really, we humans are just never content! There is never enough time and it is so easy to say that because it is so true. I no longer rush to work every morning to make sure I don't clock in late but then the chores and the errands and the other to do's just replace the 9-6 time I used to spend in the office.

Just like any new ride, I think I am far from concluding anything at this point. Although I have not felt any regrets yet about my decision to leave my profession of 13 years, I find myself wondering what is next for me a few months from now. I understand the growing needs of my family, those of my children most especially but I remind myself that more than the financial needs I know they need so much more than that. After years of working to provide financially for the family, I have come to understand I can provide so much more than that to them.

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So I sat there, enjoying watching my youngest make new friends. Witnessed his effort to contribute to teamwork. I smiled seeing him laugh and enjoy while playing football. It was a refreshing sight.

You don't need new shoes to go somewhere new.

A While Ago

A few years ago, ok 11 years ago (wow) I was going through a lot. My Dad and Mom had just passed away, I was just getting the hang of being a full time working mom and I was looking for a way to release the pressure and cope with the circumstances.

And that's  where my love for blogging was born. I would have wanted to take off exactly from where I left but because it was only a few years ago (haha), I can no longer remember the email address linked to my former blog. I feel bleh about it, but I am looking at it as a way for me to start anew. I found myself laughing, smiling and shaking my head altogether while reading my old posts. Funny how people change. Just like wine we are aged over the years. Experiences refine us, mould us, break us sometimes. Some remain close to their former selves while some come out as completely different. Not quite sure which among the two I am.

After all, 11 years was @just a few years ago."