Heart Issues

After a while, you lose your interest. You lose your interest in just about anything. There is a certain lull and you cannot quite pin point where it came from. But the thing is, it is a calm lull.
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After 13 years in the corporate world, I suddenly found myself losing the fervor for what I loved the most -- my work. At one point, I had it all planned out and written down. By this age I needed to be at the position, after this number of years I wanted this kind of work assigned to me, at this age I envisioned myself sitting in the board room part of the execom that would meet every Tuesday. At one point I had it all planned out. So yes, I wanted to know where all that had gone. It took me a while to figure it out and while I was figuring all that out, it was a very uncomfortable feeling. It was bothersome and downright worrisome. I felt I was not wearing my own clothes. And I wanted so bad to get rid of that feeling.
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Waiting on God is not easy. It never was and it never will be. That is a fact of life. We are human and human as we are, we want instant gratification. That uncomfortable feeling I had lingered on until one day that lull came.
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When nothing is happening, we can either panic or remain calm. There was a certain calmness in the lull. I had embraced the routine and accepted it as a fact that could not be changed. On days when there would be excitement, I would get excited. On uneventful days, I would just let the day pass. I realized, I was no longer looking for the thrill and the high of smashing my work day.
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I asked myself, is this good or is this bad? I cannot quite remember when how or why I found myself asking that question. I would have let it pass but on that day, after a very long time, I wanted an answer. The days passed. Months. Years, a few.
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The answer came around 8:30 in the evening while I was folding the laundry exhausted from the mornings workout, work demands and just washing the dishes after dinner. It was like a huge hammer hit my head and banged so hard on my skull that I found myself just bawling in pain. After years of denial, I finally came out and said I no longer loved my work.
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A grumbling heart is an unhealthy heart. It is sinful and does not glorify God. I figured that's where all my pain came from. I was no longer comfortable with my sinful, grumbling heart. I needed to get rid of it.

PRAYER

There is absolutely nothing to boast about. Just that I would want to put into writing that prayer has become a HUGE part of my life these past few months. Not that I have never prayed or that it was not a part of me. Just that in the past, I would pray when I needed it the most. Or put it in a better way, prayer used to be my 2nd resort or even sometimes, my last resort.
But of late, prayer has become this constant thing in my life. I am truly grateful for that. There would be times when I would look for someone I could rant to or I would send a message to a friend when I had awesome news I wanted to share but after these conversations, I would feel empty. One day it hit me. God was just waiting for me to talk to him, for Him to be my first 'go to' for good news OR bad news. Rather for good news AND bad news.

Jeremiah 29:12
Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you

Cry Out

There are days when we feel we are everything. Ever felt that? Like you had total control of everything, you felt indestructible. That feeling when you felt you had everything taken cared of. Nothing could stop you, your plans, your goals. On those occasions you have that feeling that nothing could ever go wrong. But everything goes wrong when you eat on those thoughts and allow yourself to believe in all that.

And then Baaaaam!!

PRIDE comes crashing down. And that once indestructible person that you were ends up shattered in a million pieces.  When that happens, there is an unexplainable pain that we feel. Emotions take over even if we think we are being objective in our approach.

But it is in these moments that truly define us. Do we accept what just happened to us? Do we allow it to consume us?

I've had countless times when I found myself in situations like that. Yes. Many times I actually believed I had it all just to find myself in the darkest of dark pits buried in my own web of sinful beliefs and eating the bitter truth of pride's consequences. Being the emotional person that I am, I see to it that I cry my heart out -- puffy eyes, sore throat and all, and it is on those occasions that I find myself down on my knees crying out to God. Humbling oneself before another is never easy more so if its before the Almighty one who you can never escape with your excuses. Remember, pride. But to cry out to Him must be the most relieving feeling ever.

Today I am looking for that relief.

PSALM 109:26
Help me, O LORD my God! Save me according to your steadfast love!