Tuesday, August 22, 2017

Heart Issues

After a while, you lose your interest. You lose your interest in just about anything. There is a certain lull and you cannot quite pin point where it came from. But the thing is, it is a calm lull.
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After 13 years in the corporate world, I suddenly found myself losing the fervor for what I loved the most -- my work. At one point, I had it all planned out and written down. By this age I needed to be at the position, after this number of years I wanted this kind of work assigned to me, at this age I envisioned myself sitting in the board room part of the execom that would meet every Tuesday. At one point I had it all planned out. So yes, I wanted to know where all that had gone. It took me a while to figure it out and while I was figuring all that out, it was a very uncomfortable feeling. It was bothersome and downright worrisome. I felt I was not wearing my own clothes. And I wanted so bad to get rid of that feeling.
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Waiting on God is not easy. It never was and it never will be. That is a fact of life. We are human and human as we are, we want instant gratification. That uncomfortable feeling I had lingered on until one day that lull came.
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When nothing is happening, we can either panic or remain calm. There was a certain calmness in the lull. I had embraced the routine and accepted it as a fact that could not be changed. On days when there would be excitement, I would get excited. On uneventful days, I would just let the day pass. I realized, I was no longer looking for the thrill and the high of smashing my work day.
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I asked myself, is this good or is this bad? I cannot quite remember when how or why I found myself asking that question. I would have let it pass but on that day, after a very long time, I wanted an answer. The days passed. Months. Years, a few.
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The answer came around 8:30 in the evening while I was folding the laundry exhausted from the mornings workout, work demands and just washing the dishes after dinner. It was like a huge hammer hit my head and banged so hard on my skull that I found myself just bawling in pain. After years of denial, I finally came out and said I no longer loved my work.
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A grumbling heart is an unhealthy heart. It is sinful and does not glorify God. I figured that's where all my pain came from. I was no longer comfortable with my sinful, grumbling heart. I needed to get rid of it.

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